header image

All posts in January 2nd, 2014

This is one that I wrote several months ago and didn’t post.  Why?  I’m not sure.  Maybe this is the right time for it, now.  For someone …

I haven’t been writing lately because my back has been out and sapping my energy and making me feel just plain yuck. My life experience has taught me that nothing “bad” happens without something “good” coming out of it, and that quite often … usually … pretty much always, in fact, there’s been an important life lesson in that “bad” stuff for me to carry along and grow with. In this case, it’s actually two intertwined lessons involving some new insight, plus another lesson, as well.  Let’s see if I can effectively share a bit of what I’ve been gaining. Maybe you’ll find something useful for yourself here. I hope so.

First: I am a human being, not a human doing. This is not a new lesson, by any means, but I guess I hadn’t fully integrated it, since the lesson is being repeated. My value is in who and what I am. What I do is, at best, an honest and congruent reflection or outpouring of my being. To be honest, that doesn’t always make me proud. Who I want to be, and who I like to think I am, are not always shown through my words and actions. Who I truly am is what comes through instead. Sometimes, I lie to myself and to others in my attempt to become who I wish to be … and my attempt to appear to be what I am not … yet. “Fake it ’til you make it” can be a helpful growth strategy, but being honest about it, at least with myself, is important. Despite that, as hard as it is for me to believe and fully embrace, comes the second lesson.

Second: I am worthy … being able to ask for help is important. Again, this is an old lesson being repeated or boostered or something. My growing up years told me that I wasn’t good enough, didn’t do anything well enough, and never would or could. I have so often felt like a waste of space … and I have worked on that with self-affirmation and prayer and trying so hard to DO better in order to BECOME worthwhile to God and to human beings. It keeps on coming back. It has fed depression and hopelessness and helplessness. And it is a lie. God doesn’t make junk. Everyone has purpose and value. Every person is unique and special and beloved. Even me. Asking for help is a proof that I’m integrating this lesson–maybe a test of my learning? I’m practicing.

Third: I cannot give what I do not have.

Offering love and healing if I’m not actually accepting such fully first is harmful to me and not helpful for others.

God, you know that we need $1000 by the end of this month and you know all that has caused us to be in this situation. You know when the funds will arrive that will allow us to buy the farm and animals that you have waiting for us, you know where they are and will lead us to them at the right time. While I am beyond weary with “one more month” from humans, I know that somehow, you will provide as we need, at the right time, whenever that is. I give you thanks and praise each day in all things, that all may work according to your will and in your love, not only in my life but in all. In the name of Yeshua aka Jesus and the power of Your spirit abiding in me, I pray. Amen.

We did, in fact, have what we needed, when we needed it. We’re still waiting to move to the land and build the farm, but it’s coming! I’m still a bit weary of waiting, but it will happen.

Love to all,